How was your experimenting?
In my last post, I invited you to experiment with seeing criticism as an object to get curious about. I asked you to create distance between you and the object that was criticism and notice what opened up for you. I would love to hear what your experience was. I also promised you I would be back to give you some possible ways to respond to criticism so here it goes.
But first a recap
When receiving criticism:
- Focus on your breath to get centred in yourself.
- Create distance between yourself and the criticism.
- Acknowledge the criticism. (I hear what you’re saying. That concerns me. I’m glad you brought that up.)
- Get curious about what the criticism means. (What did I do that makes you think that?)
- Consider the specific information provided.
- Decide how to respond.
Get curious
So you became curious and asked for more information about what caused the criticism. You now have a better sense of what you did that may have brought on the criticism. With this information, you have an opportunity to reflect on the circumstances. For instance, if you were told that you don’t listen and asked, “what it is I do or did that would make you think I don’t listen?” You may get an answer like, “You didn’t look at me while I speak. You were constantly checking your phone. You did not respond when I finished speaking and you changed the subject as soon as I had finished.”
Reflect on the specifics
The additional information from getting curious gives you something you can reflect on. You may remember exactly when that occurred, you may remember doing some of that and you may remember why you reacted the way you did or maybe you just don’t understand it at all.
Observe yourself
If you just don’t get it. Ask for the person to tell you more about their experience. Be empathetic. The experience as described is true for that person. Stay focused on the present moment and observe yourself.
What meaning are you making?
If you are making up meaning in what they say. You know the stuff your thoughts weave. “You just don’t like anything about me”, “You think I don’t listen, well what about you” We all do it and all it does is stirs up our emotions and encourages us to go on the defensive. Remember the criticism is just an object that you are exploring. You may agree with some of what was said and disagree with other parts.
Is there some truth in what they are saying?
What I have noticed is that some of the hardest criticism to take is when somebody sees something in me that I don’t like about myself and know in some way is true. So really reflect on what is being said and be honest with yourself, is it true? Could did you look at your phone, not look at the person while they spoke, not respond and change the subject? It does not mean there is malicious intent on your part. It just gives people actions to interpret from their perspective.
Ways to respond
- Begin by letting the other person know what you agree with. “You’re right, I do look at my phone when others are speaking.”
- Depending on the circumstances you may want to apologize. “I apologize for that.”
- You may want to also add information that helps the person understand your perspective. “In that meeting, I was waiting for an important text from a client. I could have let people know that”
- Ask the person what would they like you to do to help resolve the situation.
- Discuss a way forward. What would the person need from you and what do you need from them in the future. “I will let people know when I there is something important that requires me to check my phone. If you feel like I have changed the subject on you, please let me know in the moment. I assure you I am not doing that intentionally”
If you don’t agree
If you don’t agree with what was shared. Stay calm, focus on your breath and get centred in yourself once more. Thank the person for sharing their viewpoint and then offer your perspective on the situation. Openly sharing your viewpoint may bring you both to a place of understanding that you can build from.
There could be something more going on
Remember there could be something deeper going on here. Listen deeply to what is being communicated. Look beyond the words, beyond the feelings that are being projected on both sides. All sorts of things may be happening for that person. They may have challenges in their personal life. They could feel overwhelmed, stressed and misaligned. They may feel you don’t value or appreciate them. Consider what they may be needing from you that you are not providing. Consider what they may be wanting for themselves that you seem to have.
Pause
You may want to pause the discussion and allow time for you both to reflect. Pausing opens space to see things differently and understand what the deeper message may be.
Why not give it a try.
Remember you are amazing, you are so capable, you are unique and it is worth going deeper.
Alison
Reference: Andreas, C. and Andreas S. (1989) Heart of the Mind: Engaging Your Inner Power to Change. Real People Press.