Playing games with myself

This weekend I was about to sign-off for the printing of my book. I was checking over the changes to make sure they had all been made. I was feeling anxious and then I found a change that had not been made and the anxiety eased. The book would be delayed for a little bit more time.

Not to be seen

I find it so interesting. Something that I have worked on for so long and I am happy that it is going to be delayed for just a bit more time. What is that all about? Then I realized how much I have been hiding over the past few years. I have been using, “I am writing a book”, as an excuse not to be seen. I have poured myself, my thoughts, my limiting beliefs onto the page and I am afraid. I am afraid of being judged, of being misunderstood, of having said too much, having said to little, having not captured things quite the way I should have. I am afraid of being seen.

I am more resilient

I am not the same person I was when I began writing the book, I was a burnt out mess when I started. I was crying on my way to work when I started. I am not her today though I hold her with deep compassion.I am also not the same person I was when I sent my finished draft to the editor. I have grown since then. For me writing the book has been transformational. I am less judgmental of myself and others. I have more compassion for myself which gives me more compassion for others. I am more resilient. I have learned to nurture myself, to nurture my soul.

Each time I read their stories I grew

In writing the book, I read and reread the stories of the twenty amazing women that I interviewed. I fell more and more in love with them and their wisdom. Each time I read their stories, I had something new to reflect on, something new to notice about myself and each time I grew. Each time I read their stories, I got more connected with myself and more connected with who I want to be, perhaps really who I have always been and in that, I have found what I have longed for, a sense of belonging. I am strongly rooted into who I am, not who I think other people want me to be. There is great freedom in that.

I will dance with the fear

Releasing this book is a step into being more transparent about who I am and that right now seems a bit scary and yet the book will be published and I will embrace that fear and dance with her. In that dance, I will unearth myself.

Remember you are amazing. You are capable. It’s time to dance with your fears and waltz yourself into your next becoming.

Alison