How do you react?

I was having lunch with friends recently and one of them shared how she got defensive when she was criticized at work. She wondered if that was normal. My answer to her was that our brains are programmed to protect us. If we feel threatened by the criticism or by the criticizer, being defensive in essence is reacting as we were designed to react.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

I started to consider how I have reacted to criticism in the past. My reaction depended on so many things. Who the person was, how I felt about that person, my level of stress, the timing of the criticism, what I was doing at the time and the environment in which it was offered.

At times it was easy

In a supportive, learning environment; it was easy to take criticism. I felt more space between me and the criticism. When I think about it, I was more open. I expected it. I welcomed it so that I could learn and improve.

It was hardest when

The criticism that was hardest for me to receive when I was stressed, when I had done my best and yet something had gone wrong, when I had not lived up to my own expectations. In those situations, my mind would step in, do a debrief of the situation and come up with ways to do it differently in the future. At times like these, my mind was not very pleasant to me. That highly critical voice would have already raked me over the coals. In this instance, I would not be very open to criticism, would not welcome it and therefore would not be able to receive it. To a certain extent, I would feel the criticism being offered was insignificant compared to what my mind had conjured up for me.

How does it feel in your body?

I noticed a difference in how the criticism felt in my body. In the learning environment, my body was open. The criticism felt very separate from me. It was like the criticism was an object that I could observe from different angles and easily ask questions about.

In the stressed-out situation, when I knew something I had responsibility for had gone wrong, the criticism was like a knife ripping into the core of me. There was no space, no openness to examine this thing that is criticism. With that sense of being cut like a knife, my mind naturally went into protection mode – the fight or flight of the reptilian brain.

Get Curious

Sometimes we receive criticism without understanding exactly what it means. For instance, the statement, “you don’t listen to me” provides no information about what is really meant by the criticism. We probably each have our own idea about what that might look like but it may not accurately reflect what the criticism is specifically about.

The best approach is to take a moment to focus on the breath, acknowledge the criticism and get curious. So that might sound something like this, “I’m concerned about that. What did I do that makes you feel I don’t listen to you?” This way you know specifically what caused the criticism.

Consider how to respond

With the added information you may better understand what you did that caused the criticism and consider how to respond.

Simply put

When receiving criticism:

1. Focus on your breath to get centred in yourself.
2. Create distance between yourself and the criticism.
3. Acknowledge the criticism. (I hear what you’re saying. That concerns me. I’m glad you brought that up.)
4. Get curious about what the criticism means. (What did I do that makes you think that?)
5. Consider the specific information.
6. Decide on a response.

Questions for reflection

• When is it hardest for you to receive criticism?
• When are you most open to criticism?
• How does criticism feel in your body?
• Under what circumstances have you reacted well to criticism?
• Under what circumstances have you reacted poorly to criticism?

I invite you to experiment

Over the next couple of weeks, practice seeing criticism as an object to be examined. Create distance between you and it. Get curious about criticism and see what opens up for you.

I’ll be back in a couple of weeks to give you some possible ways to respond.

Remember you are amazing, you are so capable, you are unique and you are worth celebrating.

Alison

Reference:
Andreas, C. and Andreas S. (1989) Heart of the Mind: Engaging Your Inner Power to Change. Real People Press.