Who do you only pretend to listen to by not talking when they are speaking?
Who is crying out to be listened to by you?
Sometimes it is the person we are labeling as “difficult”.

Listening is more than not talking.

We all want to be seen, heard and understood. To do that we have to truly listen to each other.

July 1^st Canada celebrated 150 years of Confederation. Many Indigenous people of this land did not feel there was much to celebrate. This type of celebration on the heels of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, where emotion-filled stories were shared of the effects of colonization, seemed contrary to reconciliation. The shared stories described how the government’s decisions effectively silenced the voices, destroyed the gifts and physically removed these amazing people from the land and relations that defined them.

On the eve of Canada Day, I watched a news conference where three very articulate indigenous youth with support of three elders shared their story of why they raised a teepee on Parliament Hill. These six passionate people gently spoke of how they wanted to be heard, recognized, and understood. They were asking to be able to practice their culture on their own lands. They expressed how deeply hurt they felt when they were not permitted to be themselves.

After an hour of explaining their perspective, these truly courageous people were asked a question by a reporter. Instead of saying, “I hear you. I understand your pain. How can I help get your message out?” The reporter asked, “How can he (the Prime Minister) be blamed for that? Don’t you think anything he is doing is helping the situation?” It was as if that reporter had slept through the entire hour of explanation. Elder Jocelyn Wabano-Iahtail then rightly spoke out in indignation.

This type of crying out to be understood happens in our families, our workplaces and our communities.

We as a nation will not be able to reconcile until we as individuals are able to truly see people, hear their stories and their pain, recognize the gifts they bring and shift our perspective to one of understanding. The greatest gift you can give anyone is to stand in compassionate witness of them, seeking to understand.

What does it really mean to listen?

Listening is more than not talking when someone else is speaking. It is listening with an open-mind and an open-heart. Listening in this way is a whole body experience. It is not only about listening to the words but listening for what is under the words; the emotions, the pain, the cry for support, the desire to be seen and recognized not only for who we are but also who we are becoming.

When we are all able to do this with the individuals closest to us, in the workplace, and in our own community; we will be ready to do it as a nation.

Steps to deeply listen to another:

1. Withhold judgment.
2. Refrain from offering your opinion, making someone’s emotions wrong or telling someone what to do.
3. Sit as a compassionate witness. Put yourself to the side. It is not about you in this moment. It is about truly hearing someone so you can discover a way forward together.
4. Be comfortable with your uncomfortableness. Breathe.
5. Ask the person how they would like to be supported.
6. Listen to what they say and support them in the way they wish to be supported in the best way you are able.
7. Listen not just to what is said but what is unsaid.
8. Mirror back to them their words to ensure you are hearing things correctly
9. Get curious. “Tell me more” is a great way to delve deeper.
10. Be the compassionate witness and see what opens up not just in them but in you.

“When we begin listening to each other and when we talk about things that matter, the world begins to change”. ~ Margaret Wheatley.

Be that change.

Imagine what the world would be if we deeply listened to each other.

Alison