“You don’t become a leader by getting others to like you. You become a leader by getting others to like themselves.”

I have been reflecting on this tweet from The Global Leadership Institute since I first read it. You become a leader by getting others to like themselves. That leads to the question how do you get people to like themselves?

The tweet reminded of something Malala Yousafzai said in response to an interviewer telling her she was special. Her answer was something like this:

“I think every girl is special. I think every person is special. I was lucky that my father recognized me.”

Malala’s father recognizing her had a huge impact on this young woman. Being recognized by her father allowed her to feel special for who she was, to recognize herself, to believe in herself, to like herself and to excel at being herself. To recognize Malala in this way went beyond thanking her for what she did, it was to see her for who she truly is.

As I see it, there are four steps to getting someone to like themselves:

1. Truly see them
2. Tell them what you see
3. Notice their insecurities
4. Stand for them

Step 1: Truly see them

To see truly see someone you have to understand what really matters to them – what lights them up. You have to notice the hidden gifts within them, what makes them unique. That uniqueness is about their “being” not only their “doing”. Their uniqueness is the consistent expression of themselves as they do. If you can unlock that expression, nurture that expression and facilitate the growth of that expression they will know how it feels to like themselves.

If you can’t see that unique expression, that unique gift, then get curious. Start asking questions like:

• What really matters to you?
• What lights you up?
• What do you dream of being?
• What really gets under your skin?
• When have you felt recognized for your uniqueness?

With each question delve deeper to find out why. Have them tell you more about their answers and really pay attention to what they are saying. Listen with your whole being not just your ears. Know them, so they can know themselves.

Step 2: Tell them what you see

When you are able to see someone, share what you notice, when you notice it. Do this not once or twice but consistently. Remember what they told you was important to them; it is key to recognizing them. Feedback to them what you heard when you notice them expressing that in their work and in their life.

Step 3: Notice their insecurities

This is not about being their psychologist. It is about noticing what gets in the way of them liking themselves. Pay attention to what gifts they may be hiding below the surface. Their insecurity is what covers those gifts and prevents them from being fully expressed. Imagine how their self-talk may block their ability to fully share their gifts. Noticing how they react to situations will give you a sense of what their self-talk might be. If the opportunity arises, ask some questions:

• What did that feel like for you?
• I notice you got quiet/angry/frustrated/(fill in the emotion) in the meeting (fill in the appropriate place or experience), tell me about that.
• What were you saying to yourself when you were preparing for/experiencing/looking back on that?

Step 4: Stand for them

To stand for someone first you have to notice them. While you may have your story, to stand for someone you must be compassionately over there with them.

• What are they experiencing?
• What’s blocking them?
• How can you gently hold space for them to explore themselves and their blocks?
• How can you support them, so they hold themselves capable?
• How can you help to debunk the negative self-talk they may be engaging in?
• How can you compassionately get curious when they appear misaligned, full of self-doubt or critical of themselves?
• How can you remind them of who they are and what is important to them?
• How can you coach them to stretch into who they can be?
• How can you believe in them so strongly they believe in themselves.

No matter what role someone plays in your organization, it is an important one. Let those you lead know they are special, they are valued and appreciated for not only what they do but for who they are. I invite you to apply this not only to those you align with but also those who challenge you.